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Stupid Fucking Cupid

Some people are unlucky in love. Sally Sampson is a total wreck...

Back in the good ol’ schooldays, a boy once tried to flirt with me in the middle of a P.E. lesson. And I’m not going to lie, I totally had a crush on him too; I mean he was the hottest, baddest boy in the entire grade (not just the entire class), and I literally wanted to have his babies! I would watch him from far away, daydreaming about him asking me to prom, secure in the knowledge that he would literally NEVER notice me or consider buying me a can of Coke, much less take me to prom. I mean, I was almost invisible.

But then in a strange twist, and as the fates laughed, rolling their dice, I saw Mr Hotness himself from a distance, one fine P.E. lesson, adjusting his balls and walking, almost in slow motion, towards me. I vaguely remember that we were doing softball or some other sport involving a racket or a bat, and he walked right through it all – with all the balls flying everywhere, like a scene out of The Matrix – and sat next to me. And when I say he sat next to me, I mean if he had sat one inch to the right, he would’ve been literally on my lap.

I immediately broke out in a sweat. I couldn’t look at him so I fixed my gaze firmly on the floor and on my pathetic, chunky white sneakers that made me look like I had clubbed feet. I couldn’t believe that my future husband was literally sat so close next to me, pressing his sweaty leg against my ever-expanding, cookie-loving, adolescent thigh. He turned his face towards my petrified little teenage self (I mean, I could feel the heat emanating from his breath!) and casually said: “Hey Sally, how are you?”

HOW THE FUCK COULD HE BE SO CASUAL ABOUT SAYING HI?!! WAS HE NOT AWARE OF THE BOUNDARIES HE WAS BREAKING? OMG I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I HAD READ ROMEO AND JULIET AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE! I NEEDED TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS MOMENT! HE WAS LITERALLY BREAKING ALL THE RULES OF NATURE BY TALKING TO ME! MY INVISIBILITY CLOAK OBVIOUSLY WASN’T 100% FOOL-PROOF!

Okay, just so you know, I should’ve been a case-study in psychological journals when it came to the condition of an almost-complete absence of self-esteem at that particular time in my life. So for this guy to acknowledge my presence, never mind talk to me, it felt like the earth was about to implode. I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach; I had blood-thirsty ferrets clawing their way through my insides, desperate to find a way out. I felt the heat rushing to my face, and I think that was probably the only time as a teenager that I thanked God that I was Egyptian and that I was dark enough for him not to realise that he could probably fry an egg on my cheeks.

Nevertheless, as he stared at me, waiting for a response and probably wondering if I was deaf and/or mute, I knew that I would have to muster some bravery as well as a response to his trying yet stimulating question.

“Fine!” I squeaked, like Minnie Mouse on helium.

This didn’t satisfy him, however. He persisted. He asked me something else which, to this day, I cannot remember because I was so shocked that he was still there and was talking to me in full view of everyone in the class, that I instantaneously went into panic mode.

I can’t remember how it happened, or what my thought-pattern was (assuming there was a thought-pattern in the first place), but I remember that I intensely continued to stare at my shoes, right before I shifted my attention to a distant part of the bench that we were both sat on. I pointed my shaky index finger at the furthermost point on the bench and said to him: “You can go over there!” I was effectively telling him to fuck off. Bless him…He didn’t understand what was happening and I never saw his expression, but he literally unpeeled his leg from mine and moved away to the recommended corner and never really spoke to me again.

I wish I could say that I’ve grown since that stage of my life. I wish I could say that I am now so suave in matters of seduction and flirtation that I make Monica Bellucci look both sexless and lifeless. The truth is though, (as you can guess) I really haven’t.

I am much more confident now, of course, and I turned my white nasty sneakers in years ago. But with the Good Lord of Heaven and Earth as my witness, I am still so ridiculously awkward if I’m within a 100 mile radius of someone that I like, that it’s painful to watch. And I mean so painful that there are women out there who would willingly opt to have a bikini wax by the Marquis De Sade rather than have to sit through watching me try to flirt with a man that I’m attracted to…myself included!!

Around someone that I like, I get breathless and I giggle like a madwoman at EVERYTHING that is said. Oh and I twirl my hair and desperately try to point out women around me that I think are more attractive or more beautiful than me. Not to mention, I hate eating if my crush is in the vicinity. I almost starved to death on a three-day trip to Sharm once because my crush at the time would somehow always materialise just as we were going to have a meal. Of course, there is little reasoning behind the insanity, but I think it’s safe to say that I have issues.

Furthermore, I have had more relationships with celebrities in my head than most people on the planet put together, including flings with the likes of Leo DiCaprio (my first love), Tom Cruise, the Green Power Ranger, Ben Barnes, Anthony Hopkins (sue me!!), Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and, most recently, Bradley Cooper. I even had a thing for the cartoon character Darien a.k.a Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon at one point in my disturbed life!

Like I said, I have issues. And I’m not good at the "flirting" thing. Or the “keeping calm and carrying on” thing. I am a female Steve Carell from Crazy, Stupid, Love!

And in all honesty, there is a big part of me that never fully understood the whole dating thing anyway! It’s not real! Most people spend half their time pretending to be someone they’re not to attract a partner and then spend the other half of their time trying to get their partner to accept them for who they actually are! It’s fucking pointless!

And I totally 100% mean that…

But…

At the same time, there is another part of me, (and I somewhat resent it; it’s the same part that makes me cry every time I watch The Notebook) that actually wants me to put myself out there and see what happens! For the first time in my life, I don’t think that I’m all that scared to be as much of a dork as I want to be and take a chance every once in a while when it come to the love department.

I’ve recently made peace with the fact that I’ll never really stop being awkward, but maybe I can make awkward work for me. I don’t know how yet, but I’m hoping that out there somewhere is someone that will see through my panic attacks and my hunger strikes…

Oh and just so you know, I recently Facebook-stalked the guy from my P.E. class, a.k.a. the one that got away, and, guess what? Male-pattern baldness is a BITCH that caught up with him!

And really, I don’t think he would’ve been able to handle two bitches in his life, so maybe things worked out for the better after all! 


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